Author: DC
Word count: 1,572
August 2011
I took on my first proper full-time grown-up scary adult job the year after I graduated from University. I had worked summer jobs before, the usual video store or care home type of things, but nothing more serious or more long-term than that. At the time I remember thinking that it was daunting – no, scratch that, it was terrifying – but that I was ready for it, that I was keen to ‘make a contribution’, and that I was mature enough to handle the responsibility of entering the workforce. Most of all, I was really keen to do well so that I could pay back the people who had taken a chance on hiring me, so that they would feel that their generosity was being rewarded. So I turned up, went through the training that was offered, and was quickly dropped into doing work and reporting to senior people.
And you know what? For the next three years, in spite of my desire to live up to the expectations of the people who hired me, I was mostly a total pain in the ass. I was an underwhelming employee who talked back to people who were older and wiser and worthy of respect, didn’t do work on anything that didn’t interest me or wasn’t aligned with my ambitions or expectations, couldn’t be bothered to dress smartly so came into a suits-and-ties office wearing jeans and t-shirts, and… well, I must have seemed like an ungrateful, stroppy kid. And that was the key point: as grown up as I thought I was, I was still a kid. I was 21-going-on-17, trying to adjust to living in a new city with all the burdens that being fully independent of your parents or your University for the first time placed upon you, struggling to sort out my love life, and generally flailing around to find a path or direction. I went out too much, slept too little, brought some of my baggage to work, and generally failed to live up to the expectations that people had of me.
Thanks to some amazing people, however, I still work in the same place. In fact, I still work with many of the people that I did when I started, who mercifully seem to have decided to forgive or forget some of the shit that I got up to. Those people accepted that I had a lot of growing up to, were patient while I did it, didn’t take my sound and fury too seriously, and were generous enough to take the time to coach me and teach me how better to do things. And now it’s my turn, six years in, to try to look after some of the 21 year olds we have joining us as they go through the same stuff. And it has me thinking about one fundamental question, one for the philosophers, one that none of the great thinkers of the world have yet managed to answer: at what point does a hot mess become simply a mess? Or, to put it another way, at what point does being screwed up and a little all over the place cease to be sort of endearing and forgivable and most of all acceptable, and instead becomes sad and depressing?
The prevailing message being put out there by pop songs at the moment is that dysfunctional is the new way to be, that it's alright to brush your teeth with a bottle of Jack if you can't find any toothpaste, and that both guys and girls would prefer their partner to be an edgy but hopeless rager rather than a calm and sensible paragon of solidity. If you don't believe me, just look up how many people online are holding up Ke$ha as a role model, or who are buying the "pre-ripped, pre-laddered" tights now being sold by a major high street fashion chain. We all know people who have adopted the hot mess approach as a way of living, and who resolutely refuse to 'shape up' even when it would be in their best interests to do so. And don't get me wrong, there is something wonderful and freeing about that way of thinking, and everyone wants to feel that they are at least to some degree a free spirit who isn't overly bound by the constraints of society and responsibility. I know that I do - I may work for a big company, I may be married and the owner of a house, but some part of me would die if I felt that all of the nonconformity and messiness had been beaten out of me.
There is a point, however, at which not having your shit together somehow becomes less funny and less amusing, and when actually being in control and in charge most of the time is no bad thing. I’m not sure that there is an absolute age number we can pin to it, it's not that when everyone hits 30 they must suddenly grow up, but there is a line that we all sense sometimes. It’s the “if you’re still in the bar hitting on twenty-somethings when you are fifty” line, the “if you cry or fall asleep in the office more than once a year” line, the “if you accidentally wear mismatched clothes more than once a week” line. The line does exist, and at some point the vast majority of people feel it approaching and sort themselves out, and then everything flips.
Once you’ve figured out who you are and what you’re supposed to be doing, the danger reverses – rather than being a hot mess, the danger is that you become flat, that you become too good and too responsible too fast. That you forget that letting off steam and being a mess from time to time can keep you sane when the pressures of day to day life mount up on you. We know that lots of us struggle with this, mainly because a lot of you told us so – when the magazine ran the issue asking you what your favorite party songs or fun songs were, we had hundreds of responses that said, in effect, “I can’t answer that question because I can’t really have too much fun anymore”. Some actual replies:
· “Don’t you think that it’s a bit much to be asking us about fun when we’re in a recession, and when a ton of us are trying to make things meet [sic] with families and bills?”
· “I don’t really listen to those kinds of songs anymore, they don’t really fit with where I am now”
· “There isn’t much that I can learn about how to be a wife and mother from songs about bars and clubs”
I guess what I’m trying to say is this: that it’s fucking hard to find the path to being grown-up when you’re not, and that it’s difficult to remember to kick it loose sometimes when your life has become, to some degree at least, pretty uptight. I’ve been through this, we’ve all been through this, and we’ll all continue to wrestle with this until we die or, Buddha be praised, reach a place of enlightened contemplation and peace. And having exchanged emails with some of you on this subject, and spoken to people I know about it, I think we can conclude one further thing: that no-one has any single silver bullet piece of advice that helps. You just have to find the thing that works for you in your particular situation, and that helps you remember where you want to get to or recall where you used to be.
The thing that’s working for me at the moment is a song, written by a band called The Copyrights. On their great new record “North Sentinel Island”, there is a track called “Well-Fed and Warm”, about the journey from being the carefree singer in a punk band to being a married father with a day job. The singer captures the drift towards responsibility perfectly, noting that “we’ve all got our ghosts, our vices and hooks / we buried them all to avoid dirty looks”. He recognises that this isn’t a negative thing, that there is virtue in life being “well-fed and warm, relaxing and clean”, but like some of us he clearly pines for a momentary reminder of what his life was like before. So he proposes a plan, admitting that “I’ve been looking at troubles, and planning an excavation / a fuckup revival, a deadbeat vacation”. What this plan amounts to is asking your friend, your partner, whoever it may be, to join for a memorial go-round – to ask them:
"Can you promise that you won't come through, one more time?
Can you get us in it over our heads, one more time?
Can you leave me hanging out to dry, one more time?
And then come back, like nothing ever happened…"
Whether you’re in over your head and trying to swim out, or you long to drown just one last time, good luck finding what you need. And let me know the songs that helped you get through it. We’ll put those up on here instead of the party songs, and maybe we’ll help each other out. Maybe we won’t. But we’ll end up with a list of great songs about growing up and growing old, and that’s not a bad place to start.